Life. {late night thinking}

To set the scene:

A family of four stands outside Minute Maid Park awaiting the Houston Astros to come out for autographs. It is late, well past the bedtime of the two youngest members of this crazy family. The boy's face lights up when each player drives past in their car.

sign my baseball, please, Mr.???

Most do not stop. I am certain they want to be home to relax and see their family. The boy is thankful for those that do stop to make this a worthwhile experience.

The Mom.

She does not really care about autographs or if she gets to see the player...so she is just taking in the sights. This is what she is left to ponder.

life.

Everyone that works for the Astros or Minute Maid Park come out of the same garage. Some are the nice people that work the food booth, or the ushers that help patrons to their seat, and then some are the famed players. There were many that came out wearing their team t-shirt. They sported red t-shirts to identify others of their specific job, whatever it was. Another team wore white shirts. Most of these players (if you will) walked out of the garage, carrying their clear purses/bags, and headed across the street to sit and wait on the bus. Not one of us asked for their autograph. Seriously, not even a mere hello was given. Of course, it did not phase them a bit.

Every 15 minutes or so the crowd would get the honor to see a player drive through. He would wave and the crowd would show their adoration. As stated earlier, they seemed relieved for time to escape to the safe haven of home. I would be too. Most of them had regular nice cars. Some of them were lavish. From a spectator point of view their life could seem pretty perfect.

My thought is

what makes life so different, you know for different poeple...

To me, all these people, were in fact, just people. They all work at the same place. They all come out of the same garage. Yet, they come out to completely different worlds.

Why is it that the people who do the dirty work get paid the least? Why is it that athletes get paid millions to play a sport that most of them love?

I am still left a little struck. The why is getting to me. So there you have it, something to think on today...why.

This does not change our love for the Astros or for the Workers of the Astros. It was just a little late night thinking about life.

Singing the Blues

I can't live if living is without you. I can't live, I can't live anymore...

(Do you remember that song?)

I am singing the blues tonight. I am deep blue about my lack of DVR. I have missed so many shows that I am used to watching when boredom hits. I found out that I missed Oprah's interview with Lisa Beamer and Mary Winkler. I love interviews. I am a stalker at heart. I caught just a moment of the view today only to find out they have two new co-hosts. Just when did that happen?

I am also singing the blues at the lack of rewind skills with a DVR. I am truly spoiled and evidently am pretty addicted to television. My brain is going through a stage of detox from the world that lives in the small box. I guess that could be a good thing.

One side note: While I was blogging Ernest was reading (what a man!). While reading he came upon a picture stuck in the book of Chibwede. Chibwede is our Compassion child. So here I was talking about my lack of DVR and how sad I am when Chibwede graces my heart. I am truly in want of nothing. It is true, I am a little spoiled.

Thank you, Chibwede, for bringing my mind into focus.


God, you are so good, with or without a DVR.

To Attain More (and more)

**Edited**(at bottom)
We have had plenty of time to do lots of thinking. Some might argue that we are doing too much thinking. O well.

God is stirring and mixing every emotion we have. I think that is good. Not really easy, but good.

When we sell our home we will have the great privilege to be completely debt free. I cannot even imagine my life without school bills. Our plan is to stay that way. Telling this was not my point of this post, I promise. We are just excited about the opportunity to be free from the bills. It makes us able to pursue any place that God desires to take us. That is what you call an adventure. We have a missions degree and are open to those possibilities. We, of course, don't want to go anywhere God is not sending us. We are just waiting. Today the wait is exciting.

Even if we do not pursue a mission field (maybe Haiti) then we have made a decision to live simply here. I don't think this will be a problem considering that we have always lived off of one salary. Most of our married time we have had one car. To think back we only had 2 the first year of marriage and then in Abilene. While in Missouri we were so close to school it really didn't matter. I am going to be flat out honest...I have always desired stuff. Nice stuff. I always say that I was born to be rich. If God did give me wealth, what would I do with it? This week I read a quote on a blog that said "live simply so others can simply live". That has been going over and over in my mind.

Our desire is to live and give. Dan, from Lift Student Ministries, always says that you have 20,000 days to live what are you going to do with them? Our answer is to give them in whatever way God leads.

**Edited to Add** I worried about this all night...I don't think it is wrong to have or desire nice things. These were thoughts coming out kind of scrambled. I do desire to live simply and the battle about it is raging in my mind. That is what I wanted to share. I hope that I didn't come off as arrogant.We all know that I am a lover of shopping. I just plan to spend wisely.**

I've got sunshine...

I just thought I would share that today was a good day. You are all so sweet to share verses with me. They are treasured.

My God is good. He is good to me. (and you)

On a funny note my 9 year old has now taken up knitting. I must say she is pretty good. It is so cute to see her walking around with her yarn and needle. She brings me joy.

Choice

I had one thing in mind when I sat down to type. As for now that one thing is now something different.

Life.

To the core of myself I am struggling. Struggling to pursue faith. Struggling to keep on believing. Right now, I am even wondering if I am going to post this.

Yesterday we packed all our clothes (Insert frustration here due to boychild longing for a glass of chocolate milk...okay I am back) and importants and drove ourselves to Houston. I cried as we gave the dog away and cried as we drove down the street. It didn't stop, the tears flowed as I was hanging clothes in the closet. At the moment I cannot grasp peace. What is that about? This is suppose to be the adventure of my life. At the present it does not feel much like that. Or maybe it does...just an adventure gone bad. Do I really mean this? I don't know. I cannot trust my emotions right now.

We arrived here early so to register our two in school before meet the teacher night. That is a no go. All their registrars are on training so they will not register until Monday morning. After some good advice today I think we are going to press on and attend meet the teacher anyway. We will just meet them all as well as find the lunch room and bathrooms.

Do you ever desire to just run to the store and purchase a faith injection?

I need to be running to the arms of my father but instead I feel myself pulling away. I hate this feeling. Lord, please change my heart. (and soon...) I need to do my devotional for the day. I have carried it with me all day I just have not done it. Picture me walking around my life carrying my purple duct tape bible and my 90 days with A Heart Like His.

Renew my spirit within me...i beg you...Father.

I know truth...I believe truth...YOU are truth. I am believing You. No matter what my emotions are saying at this moment...I choose YOU.

What verse do you long for when feeling faithless? I need some fighting words...will you help?

Usually when I am feeling really down I throw a praise party. The radio goes up and we dance till we laugh. We praise no matter the feeling present. I cannot do that here at the in-laws so let's praise him in typed word. I guess you could say that we will just dance our fingers away.

This would be a great time for my beloved lurkers to join in.

Sunsets and Rainbows

Psalm 103:1-5
Praise the Lord, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name. Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits-- who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

I praise his name. He gave us beauty tonight. Here is a view from our front porch. We went out to walk away from the norm and spend some time. He is so faithful to meet us where we are. The absolute coolest part happened when we walked out to the road for a closer view, it was almost more than my heart could take, then we turned around to find more. He gave us even more! A full rainbow was placed right over our house. Beauty. I captured just a bit of it before it was gone.

Don't you just love him.

Chasing HIM.

Do you long to be a world changer? Do you? Are you truly in love with God? If you love him as much as you say you do then what would you do for Him? Would you risk failure? Would you risk security? Would you risk loosing yourself? How much do you care about your image? Would you be willing to be crazy for him? Key word...crazy. People might just think you are crazy. Are you okay with that?

These are all questions that I have had to answer in the last year. It is essentially where the rubber met the road. Where my true love would be shown.

I, in no means, am perfect. Actually far from it. FAR. We have been places. We have hurt each other and other people all the while lathering in selfishness. We have learned grace through horrible circumstances. We faced many failures in our faith walk all the way back to our teenage years.

All the while something divine was happening. God was essentially wooing us to him. We knew him we just didn't know him.

Today I read in 1 Samuel 14 about Jonathan going out and taking on the Philistines all the while Saul is sitting under a tree. I long to be a Jonathan rather than a Saul. I don't merely want to watch this God thing happen, I want to be in the midst of it. I feel renewed in my faith today. Thank You Father. I don't care what I will be doing in the midst of things...I will change trash can liners for my LORD. Wherever he chooses for me to be will be my happiness. He is happiness.

We can all be God lovers. That is the beauty. We are all called to an adventure! Are you out of your comfort zone? That is a pretty big clue that you are in God's amazing will.

At the end of your life...what will the headline of your life say. Not what do you want it to say but what (because of the way you live your life) will it say...

He is out there. Chase after HIM.

Let's have a P.A.R.T.Y.

It is Friday.

I had a great time last night with a friend. We walked and talked. Our passion over the Lord is consuming and we both love that. It was so refreshing talking with her. I rarely get the chance to talk with other women who share my passion. I think that is why I love this blogland so much. You women rock! You have an amazing desire to love and share love.

So I decided today is praise day. That's right...let's give him some praise.

He is doing a good work in me. He loves me when I am unaware. You, sweet father, are more than deserving of my praise. It may look bleak. There are no answers but at this moment all is well. Why? Because I have you on my side. I delight in you. I praise you because you know the future. That puts my soul in rest. You do that to me...you bring me rest. How amazing you are. If I follow you then you will lead me. You amaze me. AMAZE me.

What do you praise him for today? please join in the praise party.

Searching {Him} ...

The stirring is deep in my soul. I have been watching, along with the rest of the world, the news about Lindsey and Britney. I have no idea how you guys feel about their situation. I have noticed some troubling truths about us. (us being the people who know truth) We tend to point out where the ladies are wrong instead of seeing them through the beauty of God. My deep feeling comes from the truth that God loves them.

He absolutely head over heels loves them. His heart desire is to draw them to him.

I do believe they are searching. As girls we all tend to search out significance. They have reached the top of stardom where they thought happiness and fulfillment would be. Life seems so good there. Yet they are lacking that very thing. It is almost a starving of the soul. Their soul is deep in search for it's mate. God's desire is that nothing short of him would please that feeling.

They need God in the flesh. They need someone to love them despite where they are. Who will do it? I have read some disturbing things in the last couple of days. Sometimes our eyes get so twisted that we see the sin before we see the sinner.

If I had a chance to talk with either of them I have no idea what I would say. I hope that God's amazing love would flow from a sinner like me and lavish upon a sinner like them.

Instead of dropping our jaw in disrespect to what they are doing may we be broken for their lack of knowledge. They are walking in this life without our heart healer Jesus. Life without him is brokenness.

Make us willing to be love to them. I know you are love in the purest form. It can only come from you. Teach us, Father, to be more like you.

A Clap Offering

Peace.

Overwhelming Love.

Fun in the waiting.

Anticipation.

All-knowing God.

Laughter and Tears.


I praise you Father. I praise you. You are in complete know of what our tomorrow holds. I sit in awe of you and the joy in which you work. I am almost giddy over the way that you are choosing to write this story. We are free falling with the peace that you are the cushion to which we will land. We are crazy over you. I would have it no other way. So many are worried on our behalf but today Lord we choose to believe. We believe you to be HUGE. We trust in you against all the our own "safe" knowledge.

You deserve more than my words. You have captured my heart.

And they get it...

written by Ernest

For some time now I have been urging our students to press in to God and truly experience Him for who He really is. I wanted them to go beyond mere "Christians" and be true Christ followers who are passionately in love with their Savior. Some thought they were already there, some thought I was talking of some mystical place only a select few make it to, while others didn't really care. I was tired of seeing them just fall in line with the same ol' same ol' church life with little or no fulfillment, joy, or excitement. There is more to following Christ than the example that is shown on most Sunday mornings and definitely throughout the week. I have to admit that it was a frustrating venture at times.

As you probably know having read some of my beautiful bride's posts that we are now in transition. God has spoken and by faith we are stepping out. To where, we don't know yet but that is a different story all together.

Anyways, we turned our students over to our replacements with only one more chance to see them truly connect with God; church camp.

Our students would be going to one of the camps that we were helping run. Let me just say that God showed up and we saw Him really work on the hearts and lives of the students there, not just with those from our group but students from all of the youth groups who attended. It was an amazing sight.

Here's where they got it. They come home from camp and I begin receiving phone calls. They are now calling all of their friends, going through the list of players from their sports teams, & talking to co-workers about God. They can't shut up about Him. There is a fire in their eyes; a passion in their soul to share their Jesus with others.

One of the students came up to me and apologized and said, "I thought I had the vision you talked about. I thought I knew what it meant to truly experience God, but I didn't. I now know what the big deal was about. Thank you." WOW, what that will do to your heart.

At church on Sunday we witnessed as some of these students shared their testimonies. Others followed up salvation decisions with baptism. It was amazing. Following the services one of the ladies in the church came up to us and said, "What an awesome testimony of your service to God here!" I say, "What an awesome testimony to God's grace!"

Thank you God for this going away gift! Thank you for allowing us to witness and be a part of them "getting it".

Who do they say that I am?

Who do they say that I am.

I have always worried about that question. It is true. I wonder what image I portray. Do they see the real me? Do they see the God in me?

At this moment God is challenging this issue. We are on the brink of what lies ahead and in the same minute we are looking back on the legacy we left.

I am sure people have their opinions both good and bad. To be totally transparent, it hurts to know that someone may have a blurred vision of us or our ministry. It hurts deep to the very core of my emotions. I wish I were not like that. I wish I could just merely see God in the story and be good.

These last couple of weeks, while amazing, were so hard. We traveled with an amazing group of students doing camps. I fell head over heels in love with those kids. The last camp that we hosted our "former" students attended. Hard. We worked hard to keep our distance and love them from afar. They do not understand. The last night the camp leader requested that we go out to candlelight time with them and their new leaders. He said that we all needed closure but to be full of truth...I did not want to go. I hate to cry and I knew that I would not be able to hold it in. We stood there in the middle of this circle and let these kids lavish their love upon us. I cannot count the tears that were shed. We love them and they love us.

God is in the business of motion. He is stirring the motion of my heart, life, security, dreams, and so much more.

In the end, it does not matter what they say about me. I am here to please him. No matter how this motion makes me feel, I will hold tight to truth.

Go.Sell.Give.Follow.

Mark 10:21

Jesus looked at him and loved him. "One thing you lack," He said. "Go, sell everything you have and give it to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me."

That was Jesus' plea to this rich young man who wanted to inherit the kingdom of heaven. But for the man the price was too great. In the next moment he hung his head full of sadness and walked away because he was not willing to loose what he had for what he could not see.

My question to myself tonight...(as this was being preached) am I really willing? really? Can I really die to myself so that I can follow him wherever he leads? What if he leads me away from the dream that hovers in my thoughts? Can the pride be set aside and ruined for what is better?

One thing I don't want to happen is this: I don't want to be at the end of my life and regret not taking a chance. People, I am scared. It is getting to be more scary as the days move on. I just know that he is out there past all the fear.

He is asking will you go.sell.give.follow. Will you, for me? Do you love and trust me that much?

He is good and I am just wild over Him. He is doing a new work in my heart, to be honest, I am thankful.

How is he stretching you these days?

I want to please him

And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone to comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those that earnestly seek him. Hebrews 11:6

I believe...

Today is a fresh day.

Where are the ashes?

At the moment I cannot sleep. I feel like going out and searching for ashes to rub on my head to express the feeling the lies inside. Most of me does not want to write this. This is not what you are suppose to read on this faith journey. But truth be told today I am discouraged. I actually think that is an understatement.

Wouldn't you know it.

We have been on a vacation of sorts. We took our first week of vacation and went home to Houston so that our parents could see that we still, in fact, are fine. We had a great time. Refreshing even.

Even though we were having a great time there has been an underlying sadness or mourning over the loss of our students. It was the first time for us to be away and the new couple to take over. Take over. This means we step back. Stepping back is so hard. The words to express what I feel are just not here. Sad is as close as it is going to get. The trick is I cannot let the girls know that I feel this way. It would not be good for them because in an effort to comfort me they would cling for dear life. The flesh part of me desires that. I hate that. To be replaced stinks...no matter what circumstance surround it.

To top it off the minute we got home we received some bad news. Nothing life changing but enough to make one crazy. Satan at work. Fear and then more fear.

I know that I am whining. I am sorry.

I believe that God is preparing greatness around the corner. I am just unsure of the size of the corner. We have been thinking a lot about walking on water out to Jesus as opposed to standing in the boat...where are we?

Let's see:

1. We felt a leading from God to move on and he confirmed it

2. We put our house up for sale

3. We sent out resumes and informational cd's to some youth organizations

4. We will be without a paycheck and insurance as of the end of July

I am thinking that we at least have one leg out feeling the water. It is scarring us to death, our eyes are bulging with requests for a life preserver.

Still I believe. I pray for enough faith to take the full step.

At this point we are just living day to day, dreaming of the future that looms before us, longing for the security of yesterday.

I meant to post some fun stories about our trip. I have some great pictures to post from the Astros/Rangers game that we went to. This just had to come out first.

Another sleepless thought...This night 8 years ago I was contracting and awaiting the birth of my sweet boy. How time flies.

Life in this day

Today I started the decorating projects for our VBS which is next week. Instead of being on the computer I need to be learning the motions for our songs. VBS week is a great chance to get your groove on. I am just not in the mood to dance right now.

I am sitting here contemplating a lot of nothing. Actually a lot of everything but nothing that is going to change here in the next few minutes.

Transition is hard. The new couple is here and we are in the throws of getting to know them and introducing our students to them. There are minutes when I am sitting talking with her and laughing about the girls when all of a sudden the thought hits me..."I am handing them to you"...immediate gut punch. I know this is God's plan, however, it does not make it any easier.

The new couple are very nice and I am sure they will be great. In ministry it is weird when someone steps into your job. It is almost like they live your life and what was your love becomes theirs.

This Sunday is our last Sunday to be in the official Youth Pastor position. After that we will be hanging around the college class until our move at the end of the summer. We are going to be at many camps and all so we should be pretty busy.

Above all this I am desiring a word from my Father about our next step. My faith is being tested. We still have no clue where we are going.

Today while driving to the church alone I was talking to my Father and asked for some answers. He did not give me answers yet his word was spoken. This is what he said to me...I want you to praise me...even now...when you are hurting...praise me LOUD.

I turned up the music praised him in song, with tears, and in words of surrender. He is worth all my praise even on this a bleak and dreary faith day.

I do praise him for the unknown. I do love him to the extent of my knowledge. He is so in control of my life. It does not matter that I feel completely out of control.

Even yesterday I was just talking to God and in my head I was saying "my heart is sad" but when the words were spoken I said "my heart is steadfast". He is in control. My hope lies in him.

Just a note to say that the whole time I typed this out Carly was standing next to me doing card tricks. An illusionist in training.

Are we there yet?

"Are we there yet?"

no.

"Are we there yet?"

silence.

Looking out my window the same scenery graces my eyes and yet I ask...

"Are we there yet?"

no. not yet.



Would it be helpful to know where 'there' is?
What do you want us to do next?
Will our house sell?
Do you still see me here?
Do you know how tired I am?
Do you know how very scared I am?


My heart yearns for more of you and less of me.

My girls

My girls.

These are my girls. I love all our students and yes the girls hold special places in my heart. These three have been with me since our first moments in Abilene. During our senior tribute the four of us sat together held hands and glistened with tears. Happy tears. My heart was heavy with joy and deep with sadness over the end of an era. I am so proud of these beautiful young women.

That's right young women...not girls. (I need to remember that.)

There have been endless nights of laughing and sincere talking. So many questions I have answered (so many that I won't). So many times my cheeks have blushed on cue. They always try to make me blush with s*ex questions. They have woken me at 2 in the morning to do pyramids and chant the word s*ex while throwing up starburst wrappers as confetti. Needless to say they are excited about the future. Last year for our 10th wedding anniversary this group of girls threw me a "party" to equip me with what they thought I needed for our cruise. I humored them and went.

On a more serious note. I have had the wonderful privilege to see them come to Christ. We have shed tears together as repentance took place. The beauty of their willing heart before their ultimate lover is priceless. I watched it happen. I call our girls ministry "becoming" because we are in the state of becoming more like Christ. That is what these girls have become and I was present for it. There is no greater paycheck. These girls are not perfect, they have a lot of growing to do, then again so do I. So do we.

Here is what I wanted to say. I love them. My heart is wrapped in theirs. God did that and now it is time to say good bye.

Hard. Good. Right.

Love on.

Pearls

This is a good story and a good read if you will. Ernest used this in his talk to the teens last Wednesday. I have not been able to shake the story. Let me know your thoughts.

The cheerful little girl with bouncy golden curls was almost five. Waiting with her mother at the checkout stand, she saw them, a circle of glistening white pearls in an pink foil box.

"Oh Mommy please, Mommy. Can I have them? Please, Mommy, please?"

Quickly the mother checked the back of the little foil box and then looked back in to the pleading blue eyes of her little girl's upturned face.

"A dollar ninety-five. That's almost $2.00. If you really want them, I'll think of some extra chores for you to do and in no time you can save enough money to buy them for yourself. Your birthdays only a week away and you might get another crisp dollar bill from Grandma."

As soon as Jenny got home she emptied her penny bank and counted out 17 pennies. After dinner, she did more than her share of chores and she went to the neighbor and asked if she could pick dandelions for ten cents. On her birthday, Grandma did give her another new dollar bill and at last she had enough money to buy the necklace.

Jenny loved her pearls. They made her feel dressed up and grown up. She wore them everywhere, Sunday school, kindergarten, even to bed. The only time she took them off was when she went swimming or had a bubble bath. Mother said if they got wet they might turn her neck green.

Jenny had a very loving daddy. Every night when she was ready for bed he would stop what he was doing and come upstairs to read her a story. One night as he finished the story, he asked Jenny,

"Do you love me?"

"Oh yes, Daddy. I love you."

"Then give me your pearls."

"Oh Daddy, not my pearls. But you can have my Princess, the white horse from my collection, the one with the pink tail. Remember Daddy? The one you gave me. She's my favorite."

"That's okay, Honey, Daddy loves you. Good Night." And he brushed her cheek with a kiss.

About a week later, after the story time, Jenny's daddy asked again, "Do you love me?"

"Daddy, you know I love you."

"Then give me your pearls."

"Oh Daddy, not my pearls. But you can have my baby doll. The brand new one I got for my birthday. She is beautiful and you can have the yellow blanket that matches her sleeper."

"That's okay. Sleep well. God bless you, little one. Daddy loves you."

And as always, he brushed her cheek with a gentle kiss.

A few nights later when her daddy came in, Jenny was sitting on her bed with her legs crossed in Indian style.

As he came close, he noticed her chin was trembling and one silent tear rolled down her cheek.

"What is it, Jenny? What's the matter?"

Jenny didn't say anything but lifted her little hand up to her daddy. And when she opened it there was her little pearl necklace. With a little quiver, she finally said, "Here, Daddy; this is for you."

With tears gathering in his own eyes, Jenny's daddy reached out with one hand to take the dime store necklace, and with the other hand he reached into his pocket and pulled out a blue velvet case with a strand of genuine pearls and gave them to Jenny. He had them all the time. He was just waiting for her to give up the dime store stuff so he could give her the genuine treasure.



So it is, with our Heavenly Father. He is waiting for us to give up the cheap things in our life so that he can give us the beautiful treasures.


Author Unknown

Shaking the Tears

Worship. It happened this morning. I must confess my personal worship time has been growing small. I have been on the edge of tears about everything. I teared up at the mother/daughter banquet last week because after seating everyone I couldn't find a place for the girl and me. In the slightest shake the tears flow.

This morning as I met my living room floor I surrendered. Once again. It is something constant in my life. I realized that I had felt so guilty about having these emotions that I have not been bringing them to him. I just love his patience. I dropped it all. I left my hurt and my attitude. There was a song playing on the radio that was saying Sing with me, dance with me, cry with me....It is alright to cry and have emotion...Just do it with me. How I was trying to hide.

Then another song came on and I jumped up in order to worship him with my whole self. With tears streaming down my face his words fell...It's been a while...I missed you.

I missed him too.

Here is the song that made me stand to my feet. It was played for me. At this moment in life it speaks volumes.

When I see you I have strength to face this day. In your presence all my fears are washed away.

If you have a few minutes watch this and listen to the words.