Monday, June 25, 2007

Where are the ashes?

At the moment I cannot sleep. I feel like going out and searching for ashes to rub on my head to express the feeling the lies inside. Most of me does not want to write this. This is not what you are suppose to read on this faith journey. But truth be told today I am discouraged. I actually think that is an understatement.

Wouldn't you know it.

We have been on a vacation of sorts. We took our first week of vacation and went home to Houston so that our parents could see that we still, in fact, are fine. We had a great time. Refreshing even.

Even though we were having a great time there has been an underlying sadness or mourning over the loss of our students. It was the first time for us to be away and the new couple to take over. Take over. This means we step back. Stepping back is so hard. The words to express what I feel are just not here. Sad is as close as it is going to get. The trick is I cannot let the girls know that I feel this way. It would not be good for them because in an effort to comfort me they would cling for dear life. The flesh part of me desires that. I hate that. To be replaced matter what circumstance surround it.

To top it off the minute we got home we received some bad news. Nothing life changing but enough to make one crazy. Satan at work. Fear and then more fear.

I know that I am whining. I am sorry.

I believe that God is preparing greatness around the corner. I am just unsure of the size of the corner. We have been thinking a lot about walking on water out to Jesus as opposed to standing in the boat...where are we?

Let's see:

1. We felt a leading from God to move on and he confirmed it

2. We put our house up for sale

3. We sent out resumes and informational cd's to some youth organizations

4. We will be without a paycheck and insurance as of the end of July

I am thinking that we at least have one leg out feeling the water. It is scarring us to death, our eyes are bulging with requests for a life preserver.

Still I believe. I pray for enough faith to take the full step.

At this point we are just living day to day, dreaming of the future that looms before us, longing for the security of yesterday.

I meant to post some fun stories about our trip. I have some great pictures to post from the Astros/Rangers game that we went to. This just had to come out first.

Another sleepless thought...This night 8 years ago I was contracting and awaiting the birth of my sweet boy. How time flies.


Deidre said...

I'm so sorry, Debra. I wish I could take your hurt away. I don't know you and I don't know what God has in store, but I do know he will reward all the faith you've placed in Him. Hang in there, dear friend.

Amanda's got Baby Bangs said...

Debra, you are precious. I love your heart. The Lord is pleased with you, sister.