Who do they say that I am.
I have always worried about that question. It is true. I wonder what image I portray. Do they see the real me? Do they see the God in me?
At this moment God is challenging this issue. We are on the brink of what lies ahead and in the same minute we are looking back on the legacy we left.
I am sure people have their opinions both good and bad. To be totally transparent, it hurts to know that someone may have a blurred vision of us or our ministry. It hurts deep to the very core of my emotions. I wish I were not like that. I wish I could just merely see God in the story and be good.
These last couple of weeks, while amazing, were so hard. We traveled with an amazing group of students doing camps. I fell head over heels in love with those kids. The last camp that we hosted our "former" students attended. Hard. We worked hard to keep our distance and love them from afar. They do not understand. The last night the camp leader requested that we go out to candlelight time with them and their new leaders. He said that we all needed closure but to be full of truth...I did not want to go. I hate to cry and I knew that I would not be able to hold it in. We stood there in the middle of this circle and let these kids lavish their love upon us. I cannot count the tears that were shed. We love them and they love us.
God is in the business of motion. He is stirring the motion of my heart, life, security, dreams, and so much more.
In the end, it does not matter what they say about me. I am here to please him. No matter how this motion makes me feel, I will hold tight to truth.
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5 comments:
i'm pretty sure that if we all lived closer, Jamie and i would hang out with you guys quite a bit! seems like we'd be great friends... sounds like so many crazy exciting things are going on in your family's life right now. can't wait to see how God uses all this.
I had one year where I really wanted to know, "Who do people say that I am?"
I think I justified the question because Jesus himself wanted and needed to know, or needed to ask.
And, I didn't want to ask...or know who to ask, really.
I just wanted that sense of blessing and approval and commissioning and grace.
Sounds like, in a sense, God gave you that precious gift in your group time.
But, you know, since then, I had an epiphany about that, I think. Jesus didn't want to really know what people thought of Him. He wanted to know "Have they figured out that I'm God's son yet? Do they know WHOSE I AM?"
WHO...I AM!!! I AM!!!
Do they know?
So, I think sence then, my question has been, not "Who do they say I AM?"
But, more of a question...do they see Him in me?
That's all.
He will bless me. He will vindicate the heart set on Him. He will uphold all who fall down, including me. He will move me on, and move me in. He will purge my lips, and commission me immediately to the next thing, just like he did Isaiah, in only one short encounter with God.
He'll do that for you.
And yes, I know whose you are. It seeps from you. Positive aura, transparency, realness, care, deep love, compassion, mothering youth, basking in community, reaching out for God...it's all there.
all of it...
And, I know, you weren't REALLY asking, and I'm sure you wouldn't have asked me. But, just in case you need to know...
I can so relate to your post. It's bittersweet, isn't it? To move on and let go, and yet still feel connected to those you've loved and ministered to, and who've loved and ministered to you as well. Hard, hard stuff.
My story involves some ministry hurt, where people said a lot of stuff about me/us that wasn't true. So painful. And I had to totally trust Jesus with my reputation. Had to let Him tell me who I was, and I had to believe it. Sometimes that is the hardest part for me...believing.
So hold tight to the truth, and may you believe the words He speaks over you!
You're in a tough place sister. But I'm glad you are continuing to 'finish well' and 'love well' as you leave there.
Your salvation and glory come from Him alone. And be pleased to know, that if all 'men' speak well of us, we're probably are a little off somewhere!!
May He be the One whose acceptance we seek...it's liberating to know that we already have it!
I adore you Debra, I appreciate your post so much. Just know that you are not alone. Praying for you sister.
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